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Defining parent presenteeism — and its relationship with working-mom guilt

By Gina Nebesar September 13, 2022, 9:00 a.m. EDT 6 Min Read

The concept of presenteeism is long established in the business world. Coined to refer to the practice of employees being on the clock but not mentally present, it has been tracked by HR departments for years. But a cousin of presenteeism has also crept further and further into the daily lives of likely millions of workers across the country — It's time to talk about "parent presenteeism."

What's parent presenteeism? It's the feeling that you aren't being truly emotionally present for your children. It comes in the form of those misses that every parent experiences with their child from time to time: when you miss out on an evening to attend a work event; when your baby cries just as you need to hop on a meeting; or when you strategically skip over a few pages in the bedtime story book to speed things up so you can try to reclaim just a few minutes for yourself at the end of the day.

Parental guilt —particularly among working moms — is very real, and it's a self-perpetuating problem. In fact, presenteeism and parent presenteeism can feed directly into one another, creating a guilt cycle that affects how present parents are at work and at home.

It's often even further exacerbated by media, as moms take in idealized and polished representations of balanced, happy families on Instagram and social media, not seeing the piles of week-old unfolded laundry or overturned bowl of Cheez-its just out of frame.

To look at it through an even more meta lens, could merely talking about parent presenteeism be exacerbating the problem? Is it possible this article is triggering new parental guilt among readers? I hope not, but we'll get to some proposed fixes in any case.

Guilt isn't always a bad thing. It can be a clear signal from ourselves that something is wrong that needs to be addressed. But working-mom guilt can also stem from unrealistic expectations. Consider these words from Dr. Komal Gupta, Psy.D. in clinical psychology, specializing in maternal mental health and parental wellbeing:

The goal is not to do away with parental guilt completely. Parental guilt can be functional and informative at times. It can help us to evaluate whether changes need to be made if we did do something wrong or if there are ongoing challenges that require additional support. Parental guilt often occurs in the context of beliefs that we hold, unconsciously or consciously, about what parenting should look like. These beliefs are often rooted in internalized messaging that we have received from family, friends, culture, and society. The guilt that we experience in relation to unrealistic beliefs about parenting is less helpful in our day-to-day lives.

The type of working mom guilt most common these days and the worries over parent presenteeism are emblematic of wider systemic issues, most often rooted in the workplace — or society's — views about work and motherhood. Let's take a look at some common triggers:

Moms feel guilty if they don't spend enough time with their children — while they're working in jobs that aren't designed to be flexible.

Mothers feel guilty for stopping breastfeeding early, but they often don't have access to adequate parental leave, functional lactation rooms, and supportive working cultures.

They feel guilt about not having their "body back" when they aren't given enough time to recover after giving birth.

Moms feel guilty if they aren't contributing financially by working outside the home, even though the pandemic made finding safe, affordable, and accessible childcare nearly impossible.

They feel guilty about leaving sick kids at home and going to work, but they don't have adequate paid sick leave.

Moms feel guilty about not making home-cooked meals every night, when they're often working at jobs that demand,, either explicitly or implicitly, that they stay late.

Mothers feel guilty about feeling like they aren't emotionally present for their kids, while their workplaces thrive on burnout culture.

Working-mom guilt, by the way, isn't limited to mothers who are receiving a paycheck. Every parent is a working parent, whether that work is happening inside or outside the home, and whether it's paid or unpaid. For moms, though, the labor burden tends to be a bit heavier. American mothers perform an average of four hours of unpaid labor every day, to men's two-and-a-half.

The pandemic has made that mental workload seem much heavier across the board. As the walls between work and home have broken down, both sides suffer. Work can no longer be compressed into a neat and tidy workday, and it often bleeds over into nights and weekends, exacerbated by a lack of childcare, school closures, constantly changing guidelines, and sick family members.

So what can we do about it?

Employers play perhaps the most important role here, and it starts with setting cultural expectations. The workplaces that are happiest and most successful are the ones where every employee feels like they can bring their whole self to work with them. At the same time, boundaries are important, and employers need to demonstrate that it's ok to clock off early to pick up your kid, or take the time to be present at home with them when they're sick, or not check your email on weekends.

And while culture can be built informally, it's also important to codify policies, benefits, and processes that foster inclusion and belonging for everyone, including working parents. To get there, you need only listen to what parents are saying is most important to them:

Adequate paid parental leave
Our new Future of Family Friendly report asked parents across age groups, industries, demographics and job levels what benefits were most important to them in a prospective employer. Across the board, the number one answer, loud and clear, was better parental leave policies. And aside from creating happier families and parents, longer paid parental leave is shown to reduce adverse health outcomes after delivery, increase breastfeeding rate, and decrease the likelihood of perinatal mood disorders.

Flexible working arrangements
Another finding from the Future of Family Friendly survey was the fact that mothers said that being thrown back into the thick of work after having a baby could quickly become overwhelming, and had the potential to exacerbate underlying conditions like perinatal depression and anxiety. Flexible schedules and work-from-anywhere arrangements are integral to ensure parents can balance work life while they adjust to being a parent.

Equal parenting
Although the cultural role of dads is shifting and many fathers may want to take on a heavier load of the unpaid labor that goes along with parenting, a 2020 report showed that nearly one-third of fathers reported barriers holding them back from being the type of parent they wanted to be. Those barriers included work and a lack of time and money. It's vital that workplace cultures shift to acknowledge that flexibility isn't just important for moms — it's needed for the entire family.

No matter the changes, it's important that all benefits and policies be accessible, easy-to-understand, and talked about often. Through a mix of culture, conversation, benefits, and policy, it is possible for employers to create an environment that's open and accommodating to all types of families and all types of parents — and then we can finally start to shake off parent presenteeism.

Gina Nebesar

Co-founder and CPO, Ovia Health